the pursuit of self-content

It has been long since I put up a decent post. And today, when I want to, I do not know where to start. From my very last post up till this very day, there has been so much that has happened.

Some I can write about. Some I cannot.

Some I can remember. Some I cannot.

But all I can say is that these past few months, life has been fulfilling.

I have learnt, once again, what I liked about being absorbed in complete and absolute solitude where it is just me, my thoughts and my earthly possessions.

I have learnt, once again, the joy in being single, despite all that yearning (these past few months) and the wondering about the existence of that special someone.

I have learnt, once again, that as much as I try I cannot be like any other girl you see on the bus or the train. I have come to accept that I am different and I am going to give up, trying altogether to fit in with the generic female prototype. This is what real beauty is, I have come to realize. It is about recognizing your differences from others and standing out.

I have learnt, for the first time and in a long time, that I am not a vulnerable individual but a conflicted one at that. I think exponentially about things that matter and do not matter. I think exponentially about the decisions I have to make which always results in me, putting my needs and wants in secondary place. I realized that as much I will myself to put myself first, I cannot seem to do so, especially, when other people’s happiness is concerned.

Someone once told me, “Your mind is like the Kurukshetra,” which I agree with wholeheartedly now.

I have learnt, now, to stop thinking about the issues that do not matter to me. To take things lightly and to always exercise calm and patience in everything I do.

This self-awareness has inspired me in many ways. I have begun writing again. They are not Shakespeare or Plath but they are mine – my innermost thoughts and feelings. They manifest themselves in all forms and are written in the two languages I know: one that I love and one that I must know as it essential for survival.

To be able to write again has brought a smile to my face. Not the smile that reflects genuinity or warmth but the smile that depicts self-satisfaction.

The winds are strong.
The tides are restless.
The rain drops fall harshly and rhythmically unto the ground.
The gentle noise arouses her from her deep slumber.
She puts her feet unto the cold hard floor and walks towards the window.
She pulls the curtains apart and opens the windows, letting the cool rain drops graze her flushed skin while doing so.
She looked up to see the moon, basking in the glorious light she had stolen from her sister and shining, despite the presence of the thunderous rain.
In her awe, she could not help but wonder how different the rain and the moon were but yet, they made nature all beautiful.
They had made this night more beautiful.
Then she knew, deep in her heart, this is what life is all about.
She let the beauty of the moon and the rain drops consume her, while she watched them ebb.
Slowly, her feet left the window side and started towards her bed.
As she lay down on her bed, she smiled a smile of self-satisfaction and let her body consume her mind.

Ms. Rainbow

Today, after a long while, I saw the Rainbow.

Beautiful colours of red, green, blue, yellow and purple that merged into one and yet stood distinctly unique on its own.I realized that I was the only one in the bus that seemed to gaze at the rainbow as the bus moved from one stop to the other. I realized, while gazing at the rainbow that those walking on the streets were scurrying from one place to another, without looking at the rainbow. It surprised me to see how Singaporeans have become so preoccupied with their lives that they miss as something as beautiful as a rainbow.

 

The Rainbow is a symbol of optimism. She comes out after a huge downpour, reminding us of the beautiful things only appear after the storm. The Rainbow is a symbol of life. She reminds us that we only can see the good things in life after the trials.

 

Today, the Rainbow gave me a new lease of thought. She reminded me, with her magnificent arch-like structure and colours that sometimes, life is as such. The storm might be a bad one but the things that can be seen after the storm, is beautiful and restores peace to the person.

 

Next time, you see a rainbow, appreciate it. Smile at her, cause she is always smiling at you.

One and a half

This place is getting dusty. I have not blogged in a while, I realize. I am sorry, my faithful readers. I have been caught up with the torturous academic demands of a tertiary institution. I have been happier and at peace with myself, more than usual this past one and half months that I keep having this bugging feeling that something is going to wrong somewhere. I am sorry to those reading thing and letting yourself think that I am being pessimistic. But this is me. I am practical, beyond reason with regards to certain aspects in my life. I would not want to immerse myself to much in this happiness that if something unexpected was to be thrown at me, I would be caught completely off guard. So I am letting this happiness seep inside, bit by bit.

 

 

For a lot of us, it is the major events in our life that provides us with the inspiration to write. But I have always been the girl, where the smallest of things matter the most and create the biggest impact on my life. The past few weeks, the smallest of things that happened to me really put the biggest smile on my face. Nothing beats a friend,constantly cheering you up and trying to make your day with “online” tulips and ferrero rocher chocolates that you start to wonder what happens when he becomes upset.  

 

 

Nothing beats sitting down with classmates from Junior College, reliving the past and laughing till tears come rolling down.

 

 

Nothing beats catching up with an old friend, only to know that the both of you have been rocking the same boat for the past one year. Nothing beats having solid gossiping time with a girl friend who knows exactly how you feel.

 

 

Nothing beats laughing with your family about the stupidest things that we all do when we are angry. Nothing beats going for mass with your best friend. Nothing beats knowing that we can start from where we left off and still maintain a good friendship.

 

Maybe, I am happier because I have learnt how to take things lightly and see them in a totally different light. Maybe, I am happier because all the adversities last year has thought me to see joy in everything. Or maybe, just maybe, He had decided that it is time for me to see some joy and put a smile on my face everyday.

                                         

 

On a side note, the NUS Social Work Honours students are staging a play called Thesis: A Double Bill. It is a really interesting notion to domestic abuse and they have really put a lot of effort to bring this to us. Tickets are going at $12. It is going to be staged on the 20^th and 21^st of Feb at 8pm, at the Lee Kong Chian Reference Lib – Drama Centre Black Box. I urge you guys to go because they are bringing to the surface an important issue that has plagued the human society for years. For more information, please call Bavani@91002566.

 

No matter how good the times maybe, or how rough they maybe. Always smile. A smile works wonders, for you and for the person beside you. =)

currents of change.

Mrs Clinton had earlier arrived at the state department for her first day on the job, where she was welcomed by applause and cheers from staff members. She said it was a new era for America. “President Obama set the tone with his inaugural address, and the work of the Obama-Biden administration is committed to advancing America’s national security, furthering America’s interests, and respecting and exemplifying America’s values around the world.”

 

Courtesy of BBC News Online

 

Pardon me, I might be doing Political Science in an University located in a tiny red dot of the map and does not matter much to others in the world but honestly, so much for the whole world chanting, “Change. We want Change” when you have the US secretary of the state mentioning such a statement (highlighted and italicized above). I applaud the fact the President Obama has taken the measures to close the Guantanamo Prisons and other terror cells likewise which is an alternative stance he has taken from the otherwise militant approach of the United States of America. But still, he has a long way to go before anything can be said. The next 100 days are noteworthy. A long way we have to go, Captain Vicky!

 

On a side note, I had the best two days of my life on Wednesday and Thursday with God-sent angels cheering me up, in the littlest of things they did. One bought me my favourite chocolates, one called to check up on me, one was her usual self cheering me up by telling me how anal I am, one complained why I never hold seats for her during lecture and smirked at me, one made me laugh with her funniest retorts, one demanded for money while I came out from the ATM, one downloaded the movies I needed for a presentation without me asking which surprised me and the last one, although as exhausting being her friend can be, she always puts a smile on my face. =)

 

To all of these people, I am glad that you are in my life and you would always hold a special place in my heart.

 

And to those God sent angels which I have not spoken to in a while, I really miss you.

 

Wednesdays

 

I am glad I have my Wednesdays off. It is not a break on a Monday or Friday for which many in NUS would kill for due to the lures of a long weekend but still, it falls in the middle of the week and gives me a break from the long days I have on Mondays, Tuesdays, Thursdays and Fridays.

 

I am glad I have my Wednesdays off. I can watch the re-runs of Grey’s Anatomy on Star World that they broadcast on the same channel the night before. My brother could not understand why I would be so excited about having my Wednesdays off and getting the chance to watch Grey’s Anatomy when he says that the show is all about doctors and nurses having sex in the hospital. Right, he is most of the time. But this is one show on celluloid that makes me grow as a person each time I watch it. It might not be advocating the best morals but it does not fail to always highlight the negotiations that an individual has to make when it comes to fulfilling needs and following morals. It does not fail to highlight the various defense mechanisms for pain, be it physical or emotional. It does not fail to highlight the nuances of people who put the lives of others before theirs and how they falter in trying to separate professional and personal life. It does not fail to highlight how at most times, they go unappreciated for the things they have done. It does not fail to highlight that all these are applicable to the viewers who watch the show faithfully. Perhaps, this explains why the show continues to be a favourite for some of us.

 

Today, I watched Yang for the first time bare her heart about something is unbearable for her. She has always come across as the cold and ambitious surgeon who is insensitive to her patients. But I am glad that every time I watched her, I chose to look into her eyes. For many episodes, she held back her pain and she always put her passion first, before anything else. When she bared her heart today, I was glad that I was right. I was glad that I could understand her. I was glad that I could relate to what she saying and feeling. Many a times, there are people who tell us and in fact remind us, there is no point holding back pain or anger. But for individuals like Yang, her defense mechanism for pain is holding back her pain and not letting anyone see that she is vulnerable. She manages to win the battle; most of the time as she convinces herself that she is stronger than what is pushing at her. I am glad that I was right about her. I am glad that I can understand her. I am glad that I can relate to her.

I am glad I have my Wednesdays off. So that I can watch the re-runs of Grey’s Anatomy. It does not fail, at any point of time, to make my Wednesdays.